Do you have a 4 year old boy? Read this!
Hi lovely Mummas
Recently I was asked,
"How do you stop your four year old boy from hitting other kids when things aren't fair?"
This is a very common challenge for parents of four year old boys.
One day (seemingly overnight) your once gentle and kind little man who wouldn't hurt a fly, suddenly becomes very physical, gets agitated easily and takes it upon himself to police daycare/kindy and other social environments. He becomes very concerned about what is right and fair and isn't afraid to use his hands and feet to keep others in line.
Four years of age is also the period where boys become captivated by superhero and police role play and everything they pick up suddenly resembles a weapon - sticks become swords and blocks become guns. Interestingly, I've observed, that this phenomenon still occurs with children who don't watch television.
Parents of 4 year old boys begin pulling their hair out saying "what's changed?" They often blame it on a perceived negative influence in the child's life,
e.g. "It must be that boy at daycare, he's teaching my angel all of these bad things."
Sorry Mum and Dad, it's not that poor boy's fault. The culprit here is
TESTOSTERONE!
At age 4 the testosterone levels in boys DOUBLE. It affects mood and energy levels and causes boy-sterous behaviour. That is why for centuries male horses were gelded to make them better behaved (Biddulph, 2008).
Don't worry, I'm not suggesting we do that, although there is a comparison to be made here. Look at this information that I found about horse whispering, the same thing can be said for boy whispering.
"Respect that horses/boys are powerful and complex animals that can be dangerous if provoked. Stay out of your horse's/boy's kicking range. Always approach from the front with soft-non threatening eyes. Play close attention to your horse's/boy's diet as treats will make him snappy - some will get rude very fast".
Maybe it's just me but I think that's pretty funny.
Jokes aside, here are some practical ideas for implementation with the boy who hits when things aren't fair.
Observe
Observe your son interacting with other children. When you see that he is angry and he is about to hit, intervene and follow the below process.
Acknowledge his frustrations
Say, "I can see that you are frustrated, you don't think it's fair that Holly has had 2 turns on the slide when you are still waiting for your turn."
Explain
Say, "I know you find it hard to use gentle hands when you are frustrated but it's not okay to hit."
Provide the language
Say, "Why don't you tell Holly how you feel, like - Holly I'm frustrated because it's my turn on the slide".
Support the right choice
Stay with your son while he talks to the other child, you may like to support Holly to follow up with a suitable response in order to reinforce his positive behaviour.
When the rough hands happen again (and they will)
Remind your son of the previous conversation and say,
It's not okay to hurt others, if you use rough hands you have to go inside.
Look out for the right choices
If you see your son using words to express his emotions in the future then verbally praise him for doing so.
Say, "I heard you use your words to tell Jimmy that you wanted a turn with the spade, what a great choice, I'm proud of you!"
Praise speeds up the learning process by 60 per cent!
When a boy get's REALLY angry
Every now and then boys really lose their cool. Don't fret, remember it's the testosterone that's turning them into the Incredible Hulk.
Take them away from the situation to keep him and others around him safe. Help him calm down by doing something physical, like throwing him a ball or going for a run together. Only once he is calm can you begin to talk to him about what was making him so angry. Then you can go back to 'supporting the right choice' (as above).
NB: You will need to repeat this process many times before it sticks (even 9 year olds still need reminding).
Some final words of wisdom about boys in general, from Steve Biddulph's book, Raising Boys (a great read).
BOYS NEED ORDER
Who's in charge?
What are the rules?
Will these rules be fairly applied?
Make sure you are consistent in the way you handle these situations and that the other children in the environment are expected to follow the same rules as your son. Ensure your son knows that whilst you love him dearly, YOU are in charge. Even though he will try to challenge you for the top dog position at times, it will reassure him to know that you are the real leader in these situations.
Last words
Four year old boys are quite a challenge. Hopefully this article will help you in some way.
The good news is the testosterone levels drop significantly at around 5 years of age (Biddulph, 2008). So there's light at the end of the tunnel (let's not even think about the teenage years yet, that's a whole other testosterone fueled ball game).
Love to your little people.
Blogga-Mumma xxoo
