Parenting Styles - an article for new parents
Okay so you’ve survived the birth, got nappy changing down pat, the feeding’s trucking along. Of course you are sleep deprived but who isn’t at this stage? You are probably being bombarded with advice from every Tom, Dick, and Harry about how they have chosen to parent their baby. Let’s take all of that with a grain of salt and think about how you (and partner if that applies) would like to raise your child.
The way I see it is there is a parenting continuum. At one end you have parents that promote their child’s independence and encourage them to develop in their own time, at their own rate, and at the other end you have Helicopter Parents – parents who love their child so much that they hover over their every move and help/encourage/coerce/ their child to move onto the next phase thinking that they are doing the best for their child. And of course there are several shades of grey in between. See diagram below…
At some stage you will want to decide where you sit on this continuum. Don’t worry you have plenty of time to decide, but it's good to start thinking about it. Here is my story…
My Parenting Journey
I, myself started my parenting journey at the black end of the continuum. I was a Primary school teacher when my first son (Cooper) was born (2007) but had no experience with babies, toddlers or pre-schoolers. We were living abroad so didn’t have any family close by to pass down their wisdom. We read a lot of books about sleep, feeding, routines etc and settled on the feed/play/sleep routine. But beside the basics Andrew and I had no ideas about our views on parenting. We muddled through the best that we could and I am proud of our achievements. Striving to be an attentive and selfless mum, however, I spent much of my baby’s waking moments talking to him, singing to him, reading to him and playing with him. When I look back now I realise that poor baby constantly had me in his face saying “peekaboo” had no time to explore and learn in his own way.
He learnt pretty quickly that I was his source of entertainment and the keeper of his development. In essence my hovering took away his inbuilt ability to be independent. Believe it or not, 8 years on we are dealing with the repercussions of this today. It’s not to say that he isn’t learning to be a confident and independent 8 year old that we are very proud of – but it does not come naturally to him and his default setting is to get Mum or Dad (or anyone else nearby) to do things for him.
Professional Development Phase
In the three years that passed between Cooper and Fletcher’s birth I found myself to be extremely fascinated with early childhood development and behaviour. I studied extra-murally to get my Early Childhood diploma and became fascinated with RIE/Pikler philosophy. I began working part-time at a RIE/Pikler inspired early childhood centre and discovered the works of Penny Brownlee. This completely changed my views on my parenting philosophy and I found myself having a complete turn around and began parenting from the white end of the continuum. Luckily for me Andrew had the attitude of ‘you’re the expert’ and agreed to go along with this massive shift in philosophy – it’s amazing how quickly he acclimatised and before long he was a pro.
2010 - Enter Baby Number 2
So Fletcher was born and we continued with the ‘feed, play, sleep’ routine that we used with Cooper as that worked a treat for us the first time around. The difference was this time the ‘play’ section of the routine did not mean – play with Mummy or Daddy… it really meant ‘independent time’. This does not mean we ignored the poor child, in fact the opposite – he was very loved. It just meant that we used the care moments in his routine to develop bonds and his verbal language skills and left the ‘play’ section of the routine to be controlled by him. For example when changing nappies we talked to him and sang to him. We involved him in the process by telling him everything we were doing and inviting him to join in. E.g. “Lift your bottom now”, “I’m going to wipe your bottom, okay?”. When breast feeding/bottle feeding we didn’t watch T.V. or check Facebook- we made eye contact with our baby, touched his hair, and marveled at his cuteness. At nap/bedtime we read stories, cuddled, and talked about the fun things that happened that day. When it was ‘play’ time we put him on the floor and let him explore. We were also careful that we didn’t put him in any positions that he couldn’t get in or out of by himself e.g. if he couldn’t sit by himself we didn’t prop him up with cushions. In short we made the most of the care moments with our baby boy and let him enjoy his ‘play’ times independently – with free movement philosophies in mind.
Now it's hard to tell if it's nature or nurture, but Fletcher (now 6), is the most persistent, determined and fiercely independent child I have ever met. He seems to be pretty speedy and strong for his age too. Needless to say are happy we tried out this parenting style - for us, it was a great success.
Professional Development Phase
In the 5 years that passed between Fletcher and Hadley’s birth I discovered Maria Montessori’s philosophies. I began studying a Montessori Diploma and starting working at a Montessori Children’s House. These experiences and knowledge acquired fitted nicely with my RIE/Pikler based views. I learnt just how capable children could be given the opportunity and appropriate resources. It influenced the way we set up our home and reinforced the need to allow children to be independent – both in movement and learning.
2016 - Enter Baby Number 3
By now we were are totally immersed in the white end of the parenting continuum that our house is completely set up for independence. Baby Hadley is very lucky in that he has parents who provide him with all the love and care that he requires but also affords him the time to achieve development milestones according to his internal register. We know about the planes of development as well as his ‘Absorbent Mind’ and the ‘Sensitive Periods’ in his development This allows us to create an environment that optimises independence, and development (both mentally, emotionally, and physically).
Cut to the Chase
Now it's time to start thinking about your family and your parenting style. If you are down the white end of the continuum then you may like the ideas below. If you're at the other end, I wish you good luck on your parenting journey.
Here is a quick summary of the things that we did in our home which promoted independence and development (It only goes up to age 10 as that is where my knowledge base ends). Don't worry, there are plenty of times when my boys aren't independent, we can only but try.
Have a read through and pick and choose anything that is relevant to you. Also I suggest you read the following article which gives you some brilliant ideas to use as your child grows. http://www.montessori.org.nz/node/287
Setting Up a Household Environment to Support Independence and Optimise Development
0-1 years
Have an area set up in your living room which caters for your baby’s ‘play time’.
Have treasure baskets which are rotated with interesting objects (not plastic or battery operated)
Have a comfy mat area for rolling and crawling practise
Have a safe long mirror secured close to the mat so the baby can look at his/herself
Limit the use of restricting objects e.g. exersaucers, bouncers, jolly jumpers, sitting assisters etc. The floor is the best place for baby to develop physical skills.
Have low, safe furniture or railings with no sharp edges near baby so he/she can practise pulling him/herself up
1-2 years
Have a low table for the child to sit at to eat food with small chairs
Have kitchen equipment accessible on a low bench or table so that children can get their own drink, or get a snack.
Have a step in the toilet and/or bathroom so child can wash their own hands, brush their own teeth and hair, and use the toilet without adult assistance.
Encourage children to dress, groom, and toilet themselves.
Have low baskets with a small selection of toys in – rotate regularly
2-3 years
Have a writing/art area set up for children to explore with independently
Have a few play items setup on low shelves so that children can explore independently – rotate on a regular basis.
Encourage children to put away equipment before getting more of the shelf.
Have puzzles available.
Show children how to hammer, screw, sew, and weave – have this equipment available for exploration
Involve child in food prep, baking, setting the table etc – ensure equipment is low and accessible, plus easy to hold in child’s hand
Have lots of age appropriate books available for browsing and a comfy place to sit.
Have an expectation that children are responsible for own dressing and grooming
Children carry their own bags to and from preschool/school
5-10 years
Children clear their plate after eating – wash or load in the dishwasher
Children prepare their own drinks and snacks – make sure these are easily accessible and provide safety knives etc.
Children are expected to help with family household duties – feed cat, fold washing, empty dishwasher, keep rooms tidy, take rubbish out, make beds etc.
Children are encouraged to put toys away before getting more out.
What are Your Initial Thoughts on the Independence Vs Helicopter Parenting Continuum?
Okay now that you have read this article jot down a few ideas about where you (and your partner if you have one) think you sit on the continuum. Talk to each other about how you feel and what your parenting strategies are going forward. Remember, you are the parents and you may not have the same view as I do, you may not even have the same views as each other. But together you will make a plan for your precious child/children and your family that will act as your guide going forward. Good luck!![endif]--
